I have an absolutely hellacious deadline this month. That and my hellacious holiday baking responsibilities cause me to fall silent each December. But I felt I needed to break my silence to bring you this latest breaking news: Stuccoville Colonics is set to open.
I have to admit: I had no clue what colonics was. And now that I know, I finally comprehend the old adage “Ignorance is bliss.”
Colonics are all the rage, my business manager tells me. Everyone in Hollywood does it. She's ready to sign up.
If the owner of Stuccoville Colonics had any sense, she’d show up at the Stuccoville HOA’s next resident forum and hand out gift cards.
“Open wide and say, ‘Aah!’”
If colonics defenders are to be believed, that Five Guys double bacon cheeseburger you ate last Friday got stuck in your last colonic bend. It’s putrefying and backing up the half dozen Twinkie chasers that followed. The good news? There’s no need to eat fiber or even any vegetables to get the plumbing moving again. Instead, you can just pay someone to stick a firehouse up your Southside and blast the lower five feet of your internal tubing with warm water. For a little extra dough, they’ll add some Crest for that cool, minty feeling.
I just have one question.
Who’s gonna tell all these fools they’re getting hosed?
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